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Jealous

There was a time I felt pain when I checked my facebook. I wish I could not see Home or had curiosity of other people or friends. In fact, I checked several of them then I looked into my self. Then I said, “How ordinary I am…”.

One of my friend told on facebook that she was going to Germany for several days. I got an enthusiastic feeling on her and I felt grateful for her. But actually, I was not sure it was grateful or jealous. I denied to confess it. In the end, I deactivated my facebook account in the hope I didn’t have to know what other people celebrated about or happy about.

Then about two days ago, one of my friend (but different people I mentioned above) updated his WordPress account. I didn’t know he is actively writing his story since we were undergraduate. He has been working at Baker Hughes for two years. I read his adventures, places he visited, his feeling, what other people felt about him, and I was totally jealous about him. Again, I said, “How ordinary I am…”

I want to say that almost all my friends are extraordinary, smart, and wonderful person. How about me? I graduated from Master Degree but I almost can’t do anything. I’m stupid, follower, a pessimist, and not special. I want to be like them, be one of them, but I feel it was almost impossible for me  to be like them. This is me.

I am starting to think maybe I don’t accept the condition of myself. I want to be someone else or maybe I want to be different people without accepting the real and current condition of me. I remembered a friend of mine told me there were ways you need to follow if you want to be success at something. The ways were almost the same, the principle. One day, I told him I want to be success in my Multi Level Marketing business. He just commented, “Follow the ways”. I didn’t quite understand what he said. I concluded it was impossible for me to be success in MLM business if I kept in my condition: gawky, have a few friends, and have no sense of business. He didn’t there was no way out of my problem.

Long time ago I sometimes attended self-help seminar related to MLM business. Some people were like me. I meant not all successful person in MLM were born to be success. Some of  them were also only had a few friends, have no money, not brave enough to influence people to join them, even say to them. The best effort they can do is to change. That’s the answer. No matter how bad I am, as I want to change, and I do my best effort to change, I am sure I can be the one I admire about.

Then the next question is how I make it? I get two serious problems. The first, I am not brave enough to change and even to dream. I am afraid to imagine I live at the United States (this is my dream), or get my TOEFL score of 600, or I master five languages (English, Chinese, Germany, Japanese, France). If you ask me what I am afraid of, I am not sure with the answer. The fact is, fear is fuel of the weak (I learnt this from The American Reject).

The second problem is the idea of changing is not new for me. I started to change for a long time ago. Then I realized I actually never changed or maybe I changed a bit, but I never totally changed. I can say:

I stop changing to be a better person.

Maybe I am tired or lazy to continue or to change consistently to be the person I want. But, I feel I need to change. I need to be live my dreams up and don’t give up on them. If I do so, I will be more jealous on people till I die.

 

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